changes

I have been looking at so many blogs lately, it is making my head spin. There are so many women out there doing what I would like to do, raise a family and be a homemaker. But, since I don't have any kids, I guess I really can't do that right now. But, these women seem to be fearless. They are strong in their convictions, strong in their relationship with God, and strong in their place in their homes. How amazing these women are, and how much I strive to be like them. Someday.

I would like to start reading my Bible more. Since we moved into the house I have been diligent to get up with the husband, he wakes up at 5am so he can leave for work at 6am, and read my Bible during the week. I feel like it isn't enough though. I sit and read, and just want to keep reading, only to realize that it is 6:30 and I have to start getting ready for work. I have gotten my morning routine down to about 25 minutes so that I can sit down again and read more of the Bible and meditate on the words. I want more though. I am hungry for more.

I decided a while back that I really wanted to read through the entire Bible. I haven't done it before, and I can't figure out why. I went to a Christian college, took Bible courses, but never managed to get through the entire thing. Well, I think that my main problem was the Old Testament. Especially Leveticus, Numbers, I & II Kings, I & II Chronicles. Most of the other books seem to be very easy. But, some of the names of people and the extensive rules are hard to swallow. I need to pray hard to get through those books. Well, luckily I have just finished I Chronicles, and tomorrow will begin II Chronicles.

It is awesome to be reading God's word everyday. I feel more alive, more at peace, and understand more of His message to me. It is amazing how peaceful that can be. At the same time, I am by no means doing a good job, and know that I can do so much more. I tend to read more then study the Bible, I don't memorize verses the way I should, and I don't pray like I should. Instead, I tend to have a somewhat pointless (on my part) tangent filled prayer life. I struggle between having a personal relationship with Jesus and giving God the glory he deserves. Maybe that sounds silly, but when I pray I tend to go off on tangents, and then catch myself thinking, why in the world would I bother God with that. But, at the same time, I do feel like I can talk to God about anything, and want to be able to talk to Him like a friend. Maybe I am doing fine.

So let's say the way I pray is fine. But what about the time I spend praying? Aren't we as Christians supposed to be constantly in prayer? That is not how I am at all. In fact, I find that I just don't pray, not because I don't want to, but because I don't think about it. It needs to be more prevelant in my life, it needs to be at the forefront of my thoughts. How is it that I can call myself a Christian when I am not in constant communication with my maker? These are all questions that I struggle with daily, and assume I will continue to struggle about.

Overall, I need to STUDY my Bible, not just read it, I need to be in CONSTANT PRAYER, and I need to praise and honor God through my actions...but how do I go about changing when I am such a sinful person?