giving concerns to God

Sometimes I feel like I can do everything on my own...well those are the times when everything is going according to MY plan. But, what about God's plan? I find that a lot of the time I tend to just lose myself in God's word, pray a lot, and those are actually the times that everything seems to be going MY way. It isn't though, it's God's way.

The problem? I get too comfortable. I start thinking about God less and what I want more, and then what happens? I get stressed out and feel like I have lost control of my life, again. I can't seem to get it through my head that I was never in control of my life. I need to just sit back and let God work, because if I do fight him, it always ends up causing more pain.

How do you know what God's plan is? I know that I have written a lot about prayer and reading my Bible, but I think that is just the tip. How do I trust God more and trust me less? Maybe when I am reading the Bible and praying, I'm not doing it the right way. I can't figure it out. All I know is that I am a planner, and sometimes I wish God would fill me in on what is going on in the next couple of months, so I am not always worrying about the next thing. That probably makes no sense at all.

I'm still having trouble praying, and that is probably why I continue to struggle. I have such great intentions. Why does something always come up? Or why does nothing but laziness come up? I'm not strong enough. I need His help. Will I always struggle? Even if I am doing everything I think I should be doing? Will it be enough?

pray without ceasing

I have been having trouble with prayer. Not that I don't pray, but I feel like I don't pray enough, and that I don't pray in an appropriate manner. Does anyone else have this issue? This past Sunday, the pastor at my church was giving a sermon on discipleship. He said the most important thing about prayer is to remember to actually do it. It really hit me, convicted me to try and pray more and in a more Godly way.

I have always prayed before going to bed, rather, pray while in bed almost half asleep. So I tend to fall asleep talking to God. That is a wonderful thing, yes, but at the same time, I never have complete thoughts. I tend to ramble instead of praising God like I should. I forget about confessing my sins from the day, and end up just going off on tangents and not really having a focus. Not that that type of prayer is bad, I just believe I could do so much better.

I am doing really good with getting up super early and reading my Bible, but then I have to go to work. Instead of praying on my way to work my mind wanders to what I need to do for the day. I feel like there isn't enough time in the day almost. But there is. Yes, I am working for the majority of my waking hours, but when I come home at night there is definitely time to pray.

I think the reason I have such ease getting up and reading the Bible is because it is routine now. Yes, getting up early kind of sucks, and the past couple weeks since I have been back from vacation...well definitely more difficult to get up so early since I was able to sleep in until 7 or 8 (yes, that is sleeping in for me :-P). But it is structure, and anyone who knows me knows that I love structure and schedules.

So, I figure that if I can set aside one hour in the evening to pray. Not just sit on the couch with Matt and trying to pray, but being interrupted or wandering off to take care of the dishes or something, just actual meditation. To facilitate myself, I am going to keep a journal. I already have a journal, in fact I have many. It seems like I categorize my journals and each one holds a specific purpose...odd yes I know. But, I think that if I actually write down my prayers, this will actually help me to pray in a better way. Covering all my bases, and not having my mind wander aimlessly.

Am I being too hard on myself? Maybe, but I kind of think that God has convicted me recently about the way I study His word and pray. I am just longing for more information, for a better understanding. And prayer is going to help me with that.

Bible study and prayer in the morning

I was inspired a while back to try and get up early in the morning to study God's word. I used to have a quiet time everyday, but then life seemed to get in the way. And when that happens I tend to start trying to do things on my own strength without asking for God's help...and it is always a disaster where I find myself humbled and running as fast as I can back into the arms of my God to help me with whatever I have seriously screwed up.

I have to say, I thought getting up at 5am was going to be horrible, not that I haven't done it before, and not that getting up at 5:30am is much different. I actually find now that I am waking up at 4:30am in anticipation of the alarm going off. I haven't made the jump to get up that early yet, but maybe I should.

I am able to have about an hour of quiet time in the morning now, just reading God's word and praying and readying myself for the day. I feel stronger, not tired, more energetic. Words that I rarely would use to describe myself before these past weeks. And a big one, happy! It's so much better when I am happy, obvious statement right? I think that it is a joint effort between reading God's word, and God providing the enormous amount of sunshine that I have seen in the past few weeks. There is something about waking up with the sun streaming in the windows that makes it that much easier to climb out of bed.

So what will happen once it is cold and snowy again? Well, I'm hoping that I can continue to get up, and that God will give me the strength to endure the very very very long winter that Maine has to offer...does anyone else have an issue with snow in April? Just curious ;-) Anyways, I am in a good place right now, and that is excellent. Life finally seems to be settling slightly, and maybe I can relax and look forward to the new adventures that will be coming hopefully soon in our lives.

gossip

I am a gossip. There I said it. I gossip and I thrive on it. It is the worst thing that I do deliberately. I talk about people. I like to know everything that is going on. I am able to contribute to mean discussions with ease. My tongue is that of Satan. And I don't know how to change it.

This morning while I was reading the Bible, I realized that I gossip a lot. That at work I am the first to jump on the "oh, what's going on?!" bandwagon. It is a horrible habit. I said to myself this morning, "self, today you will try very hard not to gossip." And what happens? I immediately ask what is going on with that person and who is saying what about whom. I think that part of my problem today was that I didn't consult God, I didn't ask him for the strength to NOT talk about people today.

My tongue is a horrible issue. I need to work on it a lot, and I need to be in constant prayer about changing my thoughts and my voice. I say that I am a Christian, but how am I showing it to the non-Christians that I work with? How am I showing God's love by instigating bad talk, and listening to it when I know I shouldn't be?

All mighty God in Heaven, thank you for your many blessings on my life, thank you for your patience with me as a lowly servant in this sinful world. Lord God, please help me to be a better Christian. Help me to not gossip. Heal my tongue from the awful words that come from within. And in turn heal my heart for this is the true root of evil that is coming from my tongue. Fill me with your spirit God, and enable me to be strong in such a sinful world.

changes

I have been looking at so many blogs lately, it is making my head spin. There are so many women out there doing what I would like to do, raise a family and be a homemaker. But, since I don't have any kids, I guess I really can't do that right now. But, these women seem to be fearless. They are strong in their convictions, strong in their relationship with God, and strong in their place in their homes. How amazing these women are, and how much I strive to be like them. Someday.

I would like to start reading my Bible more. Since we moved into the house I have been diligent to get up with the husband, he wakes up at 5am so he can leave for work at 6am, and read my Bible during the week. I feel like it isn't enough though. I sit and read, and just want to keep reading, only to realize that it is 6:30 and I have to start getting ready for work. I have gotten my morning routine down to about 25 minutes so that I can sit down again and read more of the Bible and meditate on the words. I want more though. I am hungry for more.

I decided a while back that I really wanted to read through the entire Bible. I haven't done it before, and I can't figure out why. I went to a Christian college, took Bible courses, but never managed to get through the entire thing. Well, I think that my main problem was the Old Testament. Especially Leveticus, Numbers, I & II Kings, I & II Chronicles. Most of the other books seem to be very easy. But, some of the names of people and the extensive rules are hard to swallow. I need to pray hard to get through those books. Well, luckily I have just finished I Chronicles, and tomorrow will begin II Chronicles.

It is awesome to be reading God's word everyday. I feel more alive, more at peace, and understand more of His message to me. It is amazing how peaceful that can be. At the same time, I am by no means doing a good job, and know that I can do so much more. I tend to read more then study the Bible, I don't memorize verses the way I should, and I don't pray like I should. Instead, I tend to have a somewhat pointless (on my part) tangent filled prayer life. I struggle between having a personal relationship with Jesus and giving God the glory he deserves. Maybe that sounds silly, but when I pray I tend to go off on tangents, and then catch myself thinking, why in the world would I bother God with that. But, at the same time, I do feel like I can talk to God about anything, and want to be able to talk to Him like a friend. Maybe I am doing fine.

So let's say the way I pray is fine. But what about the time I spend praying? Aren't we as Christians supposed to be constantly in prayer? That is not how I am at all. In fact, I find that I just don't pray, not because I don't want to, but because I don't think about it. It needs to be more prevelant in my life, it needs to be at the forefront of my thoughts. How is it that I can call myself a Christian when I am not in constant communication with my maker? These are all questions that I struggle with daily, and assume I will continue to struggle about.

Overall, I need to STUDY my Bible, not just read it, I need to be in CONSTANT PRAYER, and I need to praise and honor God through my actions...but how do I go about changing when I am such a sinful person?