where did the summer go?

Here it is, August 21st, and summer is over. Well, it is if you live in Maine. The past few days have looked like fall and smelled like fall. I can't believe how fast the summer went though. Of course there will be days that are warm unntil September around here, and maybe even October, but they will be few and far between. We are moving into another season.

I actually love the change of seasons. It is one of the reasons I love New England so much (the cold winters are not one of the reasons :-)) But, the change to fall also reminds me that winter is just around the corner, and that we are not prepared at all for a cold winter with high heating costs.

I am seriously concerned about heating oil this winter. So concerned that Matt and I have invested in a wood stove. A lot of people say a wood stove isn't a great idea, but I think that it is. We are lucky enough to live in an area with friends who have large amounts of land in which to cut wood. I don't think that everyone should have a wood stove of course, I don't want to completely deplete the woods that we have in the state, but for us, right now, it is a good choice. We have the wood stove, now we have to figure out where to put it, and how to get a chimney in this house.

Our house is old, and the chimney is no good, well, at least it doesn't appear to be good. And the previous owner actually closed up the chimney top on the roof, so in order for us to even use the existing chimney, we need to put up a new chimney top. The part in the basement is completely ruined and really needs to be rebuilt. What is left? The chimney that is in the walls...the walls that Matt and I so carefully sheetrocked. Do we take apart the sheetrock and look to see if we can reuse the chimney? Do we take the whole chimney down and put a new chimney up? And do we build an actual chimney, or do we get one of those metal bestos chimneys (the latter is a much more cost effective option). There are a lot of choices. Not that we have a ton of money to get a chimney either, but I think that after all is said and done, we will have still spent less installing a woodstove and using wood for heat this winter than what we would pay to heat our house with oil (the choice heating fuel for New England).

Along with all of my concerns about keeping the house warm enough, are my concerns about getting a renter for our studio. The studio isn't finished yet, but it shouldn't take us too long, if we can get our butts in gear. I was hoping that my Nana would move up into the apartment, I think it would be best for everyone involved, but she is stubborn, and I don't think that she is going to make the trek up here. Maybe that is a good thing. I know that God will let happen what is supposed to happen as long as we continue to pray and trust in Him. What a process though. I'm still waiting for the *big sign* to know what we are supposed to do.

I know, I'm just a jumble of thoughts this morning. It seems like so much to think about, and it really is a lot to think about. We now have Emma, and I am a stay at home mom, there are a lot of uncertainties in our future. I just need to trust that God will provide, but why is that so difficult?

OK, well I guess that is all the doom and gloom I can muster for 8am :-) I hope that everyone is enjoying there summers! I certainly have been! And although I am concerned about the coming winter, I am looking forward to fall. Apple picking, tomato canning, and fair season! Yay!

work struggles

Well, it seems my work from home option isn't really as beneficial to the company as it is to me. My boss did put together a very generous offer of me going down to fewer hours, but still coming into the office to work for 1 day a week for 6 weeks, and then moving to 2 days a week and so on. The offer is generous, I appreciate that they are trying to work with me, but the first thing I did when I saw the offer was cry. I am disappointed that I can't at least attempt to work from home full-time for a period and see if it works out for them.

Now what do I do? Well, Emma doesn't take a bottle, so going into the office is out of the question unless I can bring her with me. And then there is the fact that I will most likely be expected to accomplish the same amount of work in fewer hours. I don't want to go back, but trusting God to provide for us is also a big obstacle. I know that He provides everything we need, but man, taking that leap is a huge test of faith.

I know that if we have a renter everything will be fine. I know that I could always get another job in the evenings, or possibly do some bookkeeping for people. I also know that I want to be a full time mom. I want to be a homemaker, I enjoy that. I know that I probably could force Emma to take a bottle if I refused to breast feed her, but really, why would I want to torture my child just so that I can go back to work?

All of this is such a struggle. I want to do what is right for my family. I want to do what God wants me to do. But, how do I know what path is the right path? I am leaning towards not going back to work at all, obviously, but is that just because I don't want to go back to work? Or is it because that is what God wants for me?

The other difficulty is the fact that I love the people I work with/for, and my job is amazing. I loved going into work everyday, eating lunch with everyone and spewing off loads of simple living info I have gathered. I enjoyed all of it. But, maybe it is time to move on, and just hope that everything falls into place financially?? Ahhh...being 27...too many decisions! But in the meantime, if anyone out in blogland wants to move to Maine and into a brand new studio apartment, let me know :-)

wow

I never seem to write anymore. Not that I don't have a million things to say, it's just that I don't know how to get them down in a post. Everyday seems to be the same for me now. I wake up and think about money, I go to work and think about money, I come home and think about money. Not just about money either. How can I live without money? How can I become more self-sufficient? How can I budget my life and what we actually need vs. what we "think" we need? It is a never ending struggle I swear. And of course I am a serious pessimist. Meaning, I think that we are in a food shortage, I think I won't be able to afford to get oil anymore (that's a problem living in the Northeast by the way), I can't feed my family good wholesome food that is produced at least in the country (organic peppers from Israel, what?) It is all very stressful.

Now, am I just oversensitive because I am in my 3rd trimester and ready to give birth at really any moment? Maybe. Or is it because I have spent the past year seriously reading all of the ridiculous information that is out now on Peak Oil, sustainability, food shortages, water shortages? It's probably a good combination of both. It is that never ending stream of information though. The fact that I feel 100 times more educated on food production now than I did last year at this time. It's crazy. And I know that there is even more information out there that I haven't read yet. What happens when I read that? Am I going to build a bomb shelter and become a hermit? Well, I am one for extremes...

So what now? Everything I read on the economy is depressing. Every single elective class for my business major I took in college was in economics, so I feel pretty confident when reading the Fed's reports or listening to speeches on the economy. Not that I am an expert by any means. I am very conservative as far as my political views go, yet, as soon as I start thinking about food and how my little family can support itself and not be so reliant on "the man," it just doesn't jive well. I know that God will provide for us everything that we need. I know that I will never be given a challenge or face some situation that I cannot handle. My loving Savior is not out to get me. But, can I get out of my own way before something else does?

We have been going through a lot of changes in the past year. Becoming more aware of what we put into our bodies, where the food is coming from. How to conserve more energy, keeping the heat down low and barely turning lights on ever. Yet, I feel like it isn't enough. Oil prices keep going up. This is probably the biggest issue. In Maine, a big part of your utilities is the heating oil. There are few ways around it unless you are blessed with a house that has a wood stove. Unfortunately ours was not. In fact the chimney isn't even functional. So, in order to become less dependent on oil, we need to shell out quite a bit of money to get a wood stove and either build a new chimney, get some type of venting system, or redo the old chimney...yeah...have you seen how much a mason costs? But, once we have the wood stove, then maybe we can have the house warmer than 55 degrees during the winter. Although keeping the heat down this winter hasn't been nearly as bad as I expected. Yes, there have been some days where we have had to turn up the heat (mainly when relatives come to visit), but our bodies have acclimated to the cold. The problem for next year? Having a baby does not give us the same luxury of just sucking it up. See! I'm already stressed.

I feel like I do a lot of talking about what we can do to change, but we never actually get to that point. Is that normal? How can I get out of this funk and actually take a step in the right direction? I think that part of it is my "planning" nature. I mean, I really need to plan the crap out of something before I do it. Not always a bad thing of course, but maybe in this situation I need to talk less and do more. At the same time I am feeling a lot better about how we are living now. We are all signed up for our CSA, something I am extremely excited about. I buy organic free range meat from a farm close to my work. We are keeping the heat down and keeping the lights off. I'm even making my own bread each week! Maybe it is about baby steps. One thing at a time. Once you get comfortable, move on to the next thing. But, I don't want to take too long to get to all these steps!

I have a lot more to say on all things money/food related, but I think I will wrap up this jumbled post right now. Someday I will be able to have coherent thoughts on these subjects, but for now, just random ramblings. I kind of like it like that :-)

giving concerns to God

Sometimes I feel like I can do everything on my own...well those are the times when everything is going according to MY plan. But, what about God's plan? I find that a lot of the time I tend to just lose myself in God's word, pray a lot, and those are actually the times that everything seems to be going MY way. It isn't though, it's God's way.

The problem? I get too comfortable. I start thinking about God less and what I want more, and then what happens? I get stressed out and feel like I have lost control of my life, again. I can't seem to get it through my head that I was never in control of my life. I need to just sit back and let God work, because if I do fight him, it always ends up causing more pain.

How do you know what God's plan is? I know that I have written a lot about prayer and reading my Bible, but I think that is just the tip. How do I trust God more and trust me less? Maybe when I am reading the Bible and praying, I'm not doing it the right way. I can't figure it out. All I know is that I am a planner, and sometimes I wish God would fill me in on what is going on in the next couple of months, so I am not always worrying about the next thing. That probably makes no sense at all.

I'm still having trouble praying, and that is probably why I continue to struggle. I have such great intentions. Why does something always come up? Or why does nothing but laziness come up? I'm not strong enough. I need His help. Will I always struggle? Even if I am doing everything I think I should be doing? Will it be enough?

pray without ceasing

I have been having trouble with prayer. Not that I don't pray, but I feel like I don't pray enough, and that I don't pray in an appropriate manner. Does anyone else have this issue? This past Sunday, the pastor at my church was giving a sermon on discipleship. He said the most important thing about prayer is to remember to actually do it. It really hit me, convicted me to try and pray more and in a more Godly way.

I have always prayed before going to bed, rather, pray while in bed almost half asleep. So I tend to fall asleep talking to God. That is a wonderful thing, yes, but at the same time, I never have complete thoughts. I tend to ramble instead of praising God like I should. I forget about confessing my sins from the day, and end up just going off on tangents and not really having a focus. Not that that type of prayer is bad, I just believe I could do so much better.

I am doing really good with getting up super early and reading my Bible, but then I have to go to work. Instead of praying on my way to work my mind wanders to what I need to do for the day. I feel like there isn't enough time in the day almost. But there is. Yes, I am working for the majority of my waking hours, but when I come home at night there is definitely time to pray.

I think the reason I have such ease getting up and reading the Bible is because it is routine now. Yes, getting up early kind of sucks, and the past couple weeks since I have been back from vacation...well definitely more difficult to get up so early since I was able to sleep in until 7 or 8 (yes, that is sleeping in for me :-P). But it is structure, and anyone who knows me knows that I love structure and schedules.

So, I figure that if I can set aside one hour in the evening to pray. Not just sit on the couch with Matt and trying to pray, but being interrupted or wandering off to take care of the dishes or something, just actual meditation. To facilitate myself, I am going to keep a journal. I already have a journal, in fact I have many. It seems like I categorize my journals and each one holds a specific purpose...odd yes I know. But, I think that if I actually write down my prayers, this will actually help me to pray in a better way. Covering all my bases, and not having my mind wander aimlessly.

Am I being too hard on myself? Maybe, but I kind of think that God has convicted me recently about the way I study His word and pray. I am just longing for more information, for a better understanding. And prayer is going to help me with that.

writing and other stuff

I haven't been writing as much as I would like. I wish I could be one of those people who updates everyday, sometimes twice a day. I guess I could be that person, but I am constantly concerned about what people are going to do once they read what I do have to say. It's probably no secret that I am a conservative Christian, and I would like to reach out to people from this blog, but I feel like if I am completely honest and true to what I want to write, I would just start getting hate mail...and really, I just have no desire for hate mail :-)

That being said, I am having a difficult time forming my thoughts into coherent sentences that one can actually read. Sometimes I think that I must be going through some type of crisis mentally because I have so many thoughts racing through my brain. Is this normal? Do other people deal with this as well?

I guess we are just experiencing a lot of life changes in my household currently, nothing bad, but just trying to figure out where to go next. There are a lot of things that Matt and I want to accomplish...many many things really. I think that is good, we are only in our 20's. But, then my practical planner side kicks in and I end up over analyzing everything and end up doing nothing. I don't want to look back on this time and be upset or regret a choice that we made. So I just keep talking about the choices, and trying to figure out what the next step really should be.

Exciting times are ahead I feel...I am looking forward to new adventures and hopefully at some point a larger family to continue my journey with. We shall see what the Lord brings.

gossip

I am a gossip. There I said it. I gossip and I thrive on it. It is the worst thing that I do deliberately. I talk about people. I like to know everything that is going on. I am able to contribute to mean discussions with ease. My tongue is that of Satan. And I don't know how to change it.

This morning while I was reading the Bible, I realized that I gossip a lot. That at work I am the first to jump on the "oh, what's going on?!" bandwagon. It is a horrible habit. I said to myself this morning, "self, today you will try very hard not to gossip." And what happens? I immediately ask what is going on with that person and who is saying what about whom. I think that part of my problem today was that I didn't consult God, I didn't ask him for the strength to NOT talk about people today.

My tongue is a horrible issue. I need to work on it a lot, and I need to be in constant prayer about changing my thoughts and my voice. I say that I am a Christian, but how am I showing it to the non-Christians that I work with? How am I showing God's love by instigating bad talk, and listening to it when I know I shouldn't be?

All mighty God in Heaven, thank you for your many blessings on my life, thank you for your patience with me as a lowly servant in this sinful world. Lord God, please help me to be a better Christian. Help me to not gossip. Heal my tongue from the awful words that come from within. And in turn heal my heart for this is the true root of evil that is coming from my tongue. Fill me with your spirit God, and enable me to be strong in such a sinful world.